I could never have imagined that in my lifetime I would have gone through what I have gone through. I suppose that is naive of me. I know that suffering doesn’t play favourites. I went through something as a child that was very difficult, at the hands of strangers. It had an impact that stretched forward in time in ways I could not have foreseen. I never thought anything would happen in my life again that would demand and necessitate such a deep quest to forgive.

If you look around and listen to people and hear their stories, you will see you are not alone. Some suffer far worse things than you and have forgiven much faster. Others never forgive and you understand why.

Knowing that truth softens you. It awakens understanding and deepens empathy and compassion. You gain perspective. You look through the eyes of those who came against you and you reflect on how they must have regarded you. It’s humbling. You wrestle with it, of course. And you realize, there is nothing to do. Except forgive.

And in the process of forgiving…. God, Please help me to forgive and release all people and all people forgive and release me. Please help us all to forgive and release each other and forgive and release ourselves. Please help us all to Love and bless each other and love and bless ourselves. Please help us all to have peace between us and peace in ourselves, please God, Thank you, God, Thank you, God, Amen – you gain new eyes to see. Forgiveness has helped me to see with new eyes and release the burdens and the heaviness and the grief and renew joy and renew love. Friends have helped me to see with new eyes and to open my heart again. My spiritual teacher, Howard Wills, has helped me to see with new eyes, release layers and layers of pain, gain my voice, go forward, and ‘grow in love’ – and so so much more. All of life has helped me. The hard cement of mortar and judgment has dissolved like sand. Judgment of others always shows us where healing is needed within ourselves.

So, I say again, to all that need to hear this: I am sorry, please forgive me for any ways, I have hurt you, knowingly or unknowingly at any time no matter what, past, present or future. Let us forgive and release each other and forgive and release ourselves. Let us love and bless each other and love and bless ourselves. Let us have peace between us and peace in ourselves. Please, God, thank you God, thank you God, Amen. Amen. Amen.

I think of that expression: “Wipe that smile off your face.” Or ‘What are you crying about?” “I’ll give you something to cry about.” – I never heard those words growing up. I felt deeply loved and protected as a child by my parents. Yet as an adult, now, I understand that in the aftermath of what happened to me as a child, my mother’s fears swallowed up her love. She grew distant and I didn’t understand it. It created a rift between us. I felt it. And in the end, we both knew it. There was always great love between us but the unspoken was there too and it divided us, put us at odds, in ways we could not communicate, understand or change. It became like an irritant, an angry, invisible pebble in your shoe. It separated us when we most needed each other’s love. Close to her death, my mother apologized and I apologized to her too. We forgave each other. We held each other in the longest embrace, and we both wept.

What happened to me as an adult over a period of years gave me an experience of cruelty unlike anything I have ever encountered. I felt mischaracterized, bullied, and mocked. It was a strange, oppressive, pernicious siege that disrupted and undermined all aspects of my life. It was as though hate had invaded my life, hell-bent on crushing my spirit, what I loved, and who I am. My experience graphically demonstrates to me why those who have been deeply hurt and have suffered inconceivable brutality, cruelty and humiliation, along with repeated indignities to their person, identity, and sense of belonging, would look upon the concept of forgiveness or forgiving as an outrage, a galling, blistering outrage, and a total impossibility.

As someone who has been a student of forgiveness work for more than two decades, this experience was soul shattering. I say with total humility, forgiveness is an individual choice. It cannot be legislated. It is nobody else’s business but your own.

I have been in deep reflection, working on the practice of forgiveness. Forgiveness in my experience happens in cycles. I have had to go over and over and over old ground, lessening the emotional charge each time, dissipating the energy, until there is nothing left. It is the way I am setting myself free.

Forgiveness is about peace, freedom, innocence, and love. It is also about empowerment and giving yourself a voice. It is about freeing your heart and your mind so you can love fully; love yourself, love everyone, and everything, feel the gentle breeze of sweetness and joy again, and move forward in peace with your life. Forgiveness is love’s greatest ally, advocate, and friend.

Christiane Schull